First of all, let's go over what an elevator pitch is. An elevator pitch is a short summary used to quickly and simply define a person, profession, service, organization or event and its value proposition. In my case, our class had to do an elevator pitch as part of our interview process in our "Professionalism in the Workplace" class. The name "Elevator Pitch" reflects the idea that it should be possible to deliver the summary in the time span of an elevator ride, or approximately thirty seconds to two minutes. So, to practice, the professor and the rest of the class (There's only 4 of us in the class) got on to an ACTUAL elevator to do our elevator interview/resume pitches. It went well... until other people started using the elevator and looking at us weird. We tried to plow through our mock interviews inside the elevator the best we could, but it was too hard with random people getting on and off. Then I just lost it. We all did. We all laughed so hard... which just made the other people more uncomfortable because they had no idea why we kept riding up and down on the elevator laughing at everyone that got on. One guy said to his buddy, "We gotta get away from these damn nutjobs," as he got off! I laughed so hard at one lady turning red in the face that I snorted trying to keep the laughter at bay... which DID NOT help the situation at all! We did this for about 30 minutes before we all just gave up... and because if we laughed at anymore strangers, we were all gonna pee ourselves. I got a headache and the hiccups from all the laughing, not to mention my abs and gut is still sore 4 hours afterward...
And that's what I did at school today... How was your day?
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Sunday, November 11, 2012
The Problem with Christmas
Christmas is a very special time of the year. It brings people together, lets people show their appreciation for other's through gift-giving, and is a celebration of Jesus Christ's birth. It is the biggest holiday in December.
Did you catch that last part? In December! Not October. Not November. December! The only problem with Christmas is people want to start it earlier and earlier every year. So I thought I would put together a list of Do's and Don't's about everyone's favorite holiday.
Do: You can shop all year 'round for Christmas. It's totally allowed. If you find a gift that would be great for your grandmother in June and it's on sale, buy it!
Don't: Don't give Christmas presents all year 'round! If it's for Christmas, WAIT TIL CHRISTMAS! Don't give your grandmother her present at Thanksgiving because you don't want to wrap it, or you think you may forget about it, or you may not go to see her at Christmas, or any other lame excuse you may have!
Do: Buy a present for someone's birthday AND one for a Christmas present separately.
Don't: Don't lump someone's Christmas present and their birthday present in as the same present. That's cheap! I don't care if their birthday is Dec. 26, buy them two separate presents!
Do: As consumers, you have every right to go out and make a fool of yourself on Thanksgiving night and Black Friday morning to get the latest and greatest for your loved ones.
Don't: As business owners, Don't open your stores at 3pm on Thanksgiving! Families are trying to have dinner together. Stop trying to overtake Thanksgiving for Christmas purposes. And stop trying to make your employees work while they should be at home enjoying a day off with their families. The same goes for opening your stores on Christmas day. People who wait til Christmas to buy a gift deserves everything they get for being that lazy!
Do: Put all the Christmas decorations up that you feel you need to in October and November. It's warm; take advantage of it. Just...
Don't: DON'T TURN THEM ON TIL DECEMBER, WEIRDO!
Do: Any store can sell any Christmas item anytime between Nov.1st and Jan. 1st in their "seasonal" department.
Don't: Stop playing that elevator style Christmas music over the PA system the day after Halloween! The day after Thanksgiving is fine but not before!
Did you catch that last part? In December! Not October. Not November. December! The only problem with Christmas is people want to start it earlier and earlier every year. So I thought I would put together a list of Do's and Don't's about everyone's favorite holiday.
Do: You can shop all year 'round for Christmas. It's totally allowed. If you find a gift that would be great for your grandmother in June and it's on sale, buy it!
Don't: Don't give Christmas presents all year 'round! If it's for Christmas, WAIT TIL CHRISTMAS! Don't give your grandmother her present at Thanksgiving because you don't want to wrap it, or you think you may forget about it, or you may not go to see her at Christmas, or any other lame excuse you may have!
Do: Buy a present for someone's birthday AND one for a Christmas present separately.
Don't: Don't lump someone's Christmas present and their birthday present in as the same present. That's cheap! I don't care if their birthday is Dec. 26, buy them two separate presents!
Do: As consumers, you have every right to go out and make a fool of yourself on Thanksgiving night and Black Friday morning to get the latest and greatest for your loved ones.
Don't: As business owners, Don't open your stores at 3pm on Thanksgiving! Families are trying to have dinner together. Stop trying to overtake Thanksgiving for Christmas purposes. And stop trying to make your employees work while they should be at home enjoying a day off with their families. The same goes for opening your stores on Christmas day. People who wait til Christmas to buy a gift deserves everything they get for being that lazy!
Do: Put all the Christmas decorations up that you feel you need to in October and November. It's warm; take advantage of it. Just...
Don't: DON'T TURN THEM ON TIL DECEMBER, WEIRDO!
Do: Any store can sell any Christmas item anytime between Nov.1st and Jan. 1st in their "seasonal" department.
Don't: Stop playing that elevator style Christmas music over the PA system the day after Halloween! The day after Thanksgiving is fine but not before!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
My Favorite Time of the Year
Everyone always tells me that Christmas is their favorite time of the year. It's that time of the year they get to see family members they haven't talked to in a while, they get gifts from said people, and they get to give gifts to people and bring joy and happiness to others. BLAH! In my family, someone always got into a fight with someone else during Christmas. There was no joy and happiness. There was bickering and fighting though. No, my favorite time of the year is Thanksgiving. The holiday where everyone is to stuffed and tired to fight.
There are two big reasons Thanksgiving is my favorite time of year. One reason is pretty obvious (FOOD!) and one is not. Anytime I get to cook, it's a good day. Anytime I get to eat what I cooked, it's a great day. Anytime that cooked food is turkey, I'm ecstatic! I make the best turkey I've ever had... and I've had a few. I could eat turkey year around. In fact, it kinda makes me mad more people don't. Most Americans only eat turkey, a roasted turkey... not lunch meat, once a year. Turkey is better than chicken, in my opinion. I've never deep-fried a turkey before, but I'm gonna try that some year too. I always think I might, then I think about those retards that burn down their homes because they fill the fryer to the top with oil. Displacement, people! And any meal that includes mashed potatoes and gravy is awesome! And the Hawaiian rolls.... Excuse me while I salivate. I only buy Hawaiian rolls at Thanksgiving and Christmas because they are kinda pricey compared to regular dinner rolls... but they are good! If you have never had Hawaiian rolls, try them. I don't know what it is about them... but they are yummy! And dessert: pumpkin pie, pineapple upside-down cake, whatever kinds of cookies I feel like making, cheesecake. It's all better than candy canes!
The other reason I love Thanksgiving is kind of sick and twisted. It means Black Friday is coming! I'm sure many of you are wondering why I, a nearly 30 year old man, would ever want to go shopping on Black Friday... Well see, there's where you messed up. I don't go to shop. I go to see humanity break down and begin to de-evolve into a flat-footed, club-carrying, munch of neanderthals as they fight over the last Tickle Me Elmo! That's right... I go to see old ladies fight each other! Me liking Black Friday kinda makes sense now, huh? Stores do not help the situation of these psychotic people acting like complete animals either. When I worked in a certain store that shall not be named (It's got a big bullseye as a sign!), I worked up front by the doors. As people were waiting out in the half-rain half-snow, they actually buffed the floors to make them even more slippery! Really? Sure enough, when the horde came through the doors, half of them slipped and fell down as the other half trampled them. Of course if the neanderthals would have acted like actual people... no one would've got hurt to begin with, I guess. People are hilarious on Black Friday. They stand outside in lines for hours, stampede into stores, then either don't find what they are looking for, or fight over the last one with a 92 year old lady with a cane. Or they go to the mall, which I will NEVER understand! The mall is, by far, the most expensive place to shop in the world! People, stop shopping at the mall. Malls are places for pre-teens to go and congregate and shoot each other over turf wars. They aren't for shopping anymore. This is NOT the 80's. Anyone over the age of 26 does not belong in a mall anymore. Sorry. It's also funny to watch really old people in Best Buy or some other electronic store on Black Friday. They have NO IDEA what they are doing in there. All they know is that their grandchildren want a copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops II and they will beat up anyone that gets in there way. By the way, people with canes always win Black Friday fights.. they have reach. They haven't got a clue what any of that "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" means, but they heard Best Buy has it on sale Friday for $46 (which is only $3 less than what you could get it for online). Which brings me to my final thought, if you're like me and wanna watch people beat each other up for a pair of $200 shoes that are on sale for $132, go out this Black Friday and have fun. If you actually want to shop and save money this Black Friday, GO ON THE INTERNET AND SHOP! Things are so much cheaper online all the time, but especially on Black Friday. And place usually have free shipping on Black Friday. You don't have to get up at 2AM and fight crowds anymore. You're welcome.
There are two big reasons Thanksgiving is my favorite time of year. One reason is pretty obvious (FOOD!) and one is not. Anytime I get to cook, it's a good day. Anytime I get to eat what I cooked, it's a great day. Anytime that cooked food is turkey, I'm ecstatic! I make the best turkey I've ever had... and I've had a few. I could eat turkey year around. In fact, it kinda makes me mad more people don't. Most Americans only eat turkey, a roasted turkey... not lunch meat, once a year. Turkey is better than chicken, in my opinion. I've never deep-fried a turkey before, but I'm gonna try that some year too. I always think I might, then I think about those retards that burn down their homes because they fill the fryer to the top with oil. Displacement, people! And any meal that includes mashed potatoes and gravy is awesome! And the Hawaiian rolls.... Excuse me while I salivate. I only buy Hawaiian rolls at Thanksgiving and Christmas because they are kinda pricey compared to regular dinner rolls... but they are good! If you have never had Hawaiian rolls, try them. I don't know what it is about them... but they are yummy! And dessert: pumpkin pie, pineapple upside-down cake, whatever kinds of cookies I feel like making, cheesecake. It's all better than candy canes!
The other reason I love Thanksgiving is kind of sick and twisted. It means Black Friday is coming! I'm sure many of you are wondering why I, a nearly 30 year old man, would ever want to go shopping on Black Friday... Well see, there's where you messed up. I don't go to shop. I go to see humanity break down and begin to de-evolve into a flat-footed, club-carrying, munch of neanderthals as they fight over the last Tickle Me Elmo! That's right... I go to see old ladies fight each other! Me liking Black Friday kinda makes sense now, huh? Stores do not help the situation of these psychotic people acting like complete animals either. When I worked in a certain store that shall not be named (It's got a big bullseye as a sign!), I worked up front by the doors. As people were waiting out in the half-rain half-snow, they actually buffed the floors to make them even more slippery! Really? Sure enough, when the horde came through the doors, half of them slipped and fell down as the other half trampled them. Of course if the neanderthals would have acted like actual people... no one would've got hurt to begin with, I guess. People are hilarious on Black Friday. They stand outside in lines for hours, stampede into stores, then either don't find what they are looking for, or fight over the last one with a 92 year old lady with a cane. Or they go to the mall, which I will NEVER understand! The mall is, by far, the most expensive place to shop in the world! People, stop shopping at the mall. Malls are places for pre-teens to go and congregate and shoot each other over turf wars. They aren't for shopping anymore. This is NOT the 80's. Anyone over the age of 26 does not belong in a mall anymore. Sorry. It's also funny to watch really old people in Best Buy or some other electronic store on Black Friday. They have NO IDEA what they are doing in there. All they know is that their grandchildren want a copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops II and they will beat up anyone that gets in there way. By the way, people with canes always win Black Friday fights.. they have reach. They haven't got a clue what any of that "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" means, but they heard Best Buy has it on sale Friday for $46 (which is only $3 less than what you could get it for online). Which brings me to my final thought, if you're like me and wanna watch people beat each other up for a pair of $200 shoes that are on sale for $132, go out this Black Friday and have fun. If you actually want to shop and save money this Black Friday, GO ON THE INTERNET AND SHOP! Things are so much cheaper online all the time, but especially on Black Friday. And place usually have free shipping on Black Friday. You don't have to get up at 2AM and fight crowds anymore. You're welcome.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Driving
What don't people understand when it comes to driving? Driving is a way of transporting yourself from point A to point B at a faster speed than walking from point A to point B. That's all it is. It's not a friggin' race! You don't have to be first! There is not a shiny gold trophy filled with $100 bills waiting for you at the next mile! Please don't risk my life because you think you are playing Need For Speed!
By the way, those little lights by your brake lights... Those are called "turn signals". They are connected to that little stick coming out of the left side of your steering column. They are not there for decoration! USE THEM! They let people behind you know what the hell you are thinking about doing before you do it.... if, in fact, you really do think that far ahead.
And if we are on the turnpike and you feel the need to go faster than I am, go around me. It's not hard. There is absolutely no reason to flash your brights, scream, shout, curse, flip me off, make obscene gestures, or run into the back of me. Because if you do any of the following, I'M JUST GOING TO GO SLOWER, MORON! Just go around me. There are two lanes for a reason. One of them is actually called 'the passing lane'! I am not moving over for you for two reasons: I would then be in the left lane and it's technically illegal for you to pass me on the right and IT'S NOT YOUR ROAD!!
And for the other group of you that think it's okay to drive 35 in a 70... Don't get pissed when I pass you. Why do people speed up when I try to pass them? What's that about?! When I pass you, it's not like I'm trying to question your manhood or something. It's just me passing you because, unlike yourself, I don't have 4 hours to get to where I'm going. So don't speed up or swerve left of center when I try to pass you because you're moving slower than my metabolism. It's also still not a race. Its okay if someone is in front of you. Just let it happen... it'll be ok... Breathe...
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| True story. |
By the way, those little lights by your brake lights... Those are called "turn signals". They are connected to that little stick coming out of the left side of your steering column. They are not there for decoration! USE THEM! They let people behind you know what the hell you are thinking about doing before you do it.... if, in fact, you really do think that far ahead.
And if we are on the turnpike and you feel the need to go faster than I am, go around me. It's not hard. There is absolutely no reason to flash your brights, scream, shout, curse, flip me off, make obscene gestures, or run into the back of me. Because if you do any of the following, I'M JUST GOING TO GO SLOWER, MORON! Just go around me. There are two lanes for a reason. One of them is actually called 'the passing lane'! I am not moving over for you for two reasons: I would then be in the left lane and it's technically illegal for you to pass me on the right and IT'S NOT YOUR ROAD!!
And for the other group of you that think it's okay to drive 35 in a 70... Don't get pissed when I pass you. Why do people speed up when I try to pass them? What's that about?! When I pass you, it's not like I'm trying to question your manhood or something. It's just me passing you because, unlike yourself, I don't have 4 hours to get to where I'm going. So don't speed up or swerve left of center when I try to pass you because you're moving slower than my metabolism. It's also still not a race. Its okay if someone is in front of you. Just let it happen... it'll be ok... Breathe...
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